Quorn's Chik'n Patties
After I survived eating a Naked Chik'n Cutlet last month, I was hesitant about volunteering for another game of Russian roulette with my organs. But I am a soldier, and it is my duty to review all alt-meat products for the greater good. So I loaded up my gun with a Quorn Chik'n patty and fired away.
After having previously chewed my way through the dull-tasting Naked Chik'n Cutlets, I was hoping that Quorn's Chik'n patties benefited from the universal law of "bread it, and it will be good." It seems Quorn has found a way to break even this universal constant. Even the breading on these alt-chicken patties was tasteless. Which forced me to focus more on the un-chicken-like tasting "meat" of the patty. Quorn: 0, Bland: 2.
On the plus side, however, I did survive another Quorn meal with no rashes or paralysis. And these patties are legitimately larger than your average patty. But "bland" is a bit like infinity - more bland is still just plain bland.
I was surprised again, however, to discover that Quorn packaged their food without plastic, leaving the cutlets with only a thin layer of pervious, folded cardboard to protect them. Shouldn't this be illegal? Maybe it is, and those who try and report Quorn to the authorities are the ones that mysteriously get dysentery. If that's true, I guess I'd better shut up. I like my lower intestine blood-free.
